Miscarriage – When Your Baby’s Heartbeat Stops – Part Two

miscarriage pt 2

Guest Post – Emily O’Malley
Miscarriage – When Your Baby’s Heartbeat Stops – Part Two – Angel Babies

Angel Babies

Dear sweet reader,

When my soul sister Catherine asked how I would feel if she wrote a blog post about miscarriage and if I would like to add my story, I jumped at the opportunity.  Yet now as I sit here at 12:45am, having a glass of milk after re-settling my eldest, my story suddenly feels overwhelming.  You see I should be unable to balance my laptop as I do right now, as I should have a 7 month baby bump.  But alas, all I have is post-baby belly.

My story is a common one.  According to the March of Dimes, as many as 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage – most often before a woman misses a menstrual period or even knows she is pregnant.  About 15-25% of recognised pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. Doctors will quite happily tell you this as they go about the seemingly routine process of telling you that you are pregnant no more.
Some doctors may even refer to it as a ‘natural abortion.’   The amount of times when doctors have asked me how many abortions I have had, just astounds me.  Somewhere along the road these medical practitioners have lost compassion for women in their care. 

My most recent miscarriage was in November 2017.
We had finished our family and had all birth control methods in place.  I just happened to be in the 0.3% of women who fell pregnant on our particular birth control.  As you can imagine it was a H U G E shock to my husband and myself.  But we started to get our heads around it after a couple of days.  We talked logistics of where we would place this baby in our home, we laughed about the fact that we had just finished selling the last of the baby clothes and equipment, and we marvelled at the fact I fell pregnant, despite all birth control measures being in place.

But then the moment came….. it was a moment that had happened three times prior.  I wasn’t shocked, I took a deep breath…. And I flushed that blood soaked piece of toilet paper away.  I called my husband to come home from work so I could go to the hospital.  I felt calm…yet sick.  I got in the car and drove to the Emergency Department, calling a friend along the way, who insisted on coming and being with me, despite my claims that I was “fine” (and I am ever so grateful she did come!)

Once at the ED, I sat for several hours waiting to be processed and seen by the doctor.  And the bleeding slowed, thus my hope started to grow again.  However, when the doctor came and told me my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) was not doubling as it should and he believed I was having a miscarriage, it felt all too real and very familiar.  Through tightly held lips and watery eyes, I said thank you and simply walked out of the room.

I held my game face on for a little bit…but then it started to crack.  And I sobbed.  Over the coming days and weeks I got so angry at God for allowing this to happen to me.  A baby we had never planned for, but loved SO deeply after such a short period of time, had been ripped away from us.  I think the worst part was having to continue on with life like everything was normal….but life wasn’t normal…and that baby will forever be on my mind and in my heart.

You see I’ve had four miscarriages.  Three of them were prior to having my eldest and then this last, most recent one.  My husband and I have been blessed with two beautiful earth babies.  The youngest one who is soon to turn five!  But my heart can’t help but long for our angel babies as well.  I once read a book about asking God to reveal the gender of your child, so that you can name them.
My husband and I did this and so we have Noah, Jesse, Lucy and most recently Rose, in heaven.

It has amazed me how many other women say they’ve had a miscarriage, when I start sharing my story with them.  Society tells us to keep quiet about miscarriage and has made it out to be an unspoken topic, but the more we talk and share, the more we can journey together and get rid of this stigma surrounding miscarriage.

I’m sad to say not a day goes by that I don’t think about my angel babies.
At times sweet reader, you won’t even realise you are thinking about your loss, until it hits you right in the face and you feel overwhelmed with grief and sorrow.  Or you may feel you’re ok, but then you see someone with a baby bump that would have been the same size as yours and it hits you.  All over again.

My message is simply this … mama you are not alone.  Let us band together as mothers…as women….and share our stories of joy and hope, as well as those of sorrow and pain.  We crave community and most of us are well aware of the concept ‘it takes a village to raise a family’ – so let us actually do that.  The conversations may feel difficult to initially start, but from a mama that’s been there….please go there.  Ask me how I feel, ask what you can pray about for me, refer to my angel babies by name.
And most of all….please love on me.

Because even though we might say we don’t blame ourselves for having a miscarriage.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t.

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  1. I have had a miscarriage but I also had an abortion when I was younger. There are a number of emotions that runs through you with both and I think that both are equally distressing.
    I was backed into a corner when I put an end to a pregnancy as the father was a piece of work and I was alone, in a lot of debt and living in rented accommodation and working 40 hours a week and 36 hours overtime to make ends meet and pay my bills. When you are in a low income job it is hard and I didn’t think that I could do it alone.
    It was hard as the landladies daughter who lived at the house was pregnant at the same time and when she gave birth it was a reminder that this is what I could have had.
    I ditched the guy in the end and then met my partner and after a year we tried for a baby and I caught quickly and we were over the moon and started planning but I didn’t feel right and the midwife said it was normal.
    I was booked for the 12 week scan and was greatly anticipating seeing my little blob appear on the screen but it wasn’t meant to be.
    On the Monday before I dropped my partner off at Heathrow for his work away and drove back to the house. I went to the loo and then I saw some blood. I called the Dr and they asked me to go down the surgery and they scanned me, but instead of having the news everything was ok, I was asked how many weeks I was supposed to be. When I said I was nearly 12 weeks they said I must be wrong, but I told them I knew what time, day and where I was when I conceived as I recorded everything when we were trying.
    The Dr then told me that the size was more of a 5 week old baby and that there was no heart beat. I thought that they would send me to hospital but they told me to wait til my appointment on the Wednesday.
    I told my partner on the phone that it looked like we were loosing the baby and he managed to get home, it took him 11 hours to get home and while I waited I did my crying, I did made my peace with what was happening. Yes I screamed and punched the pillows, I hugged the cat, I cried until I could cry no more and went numb. I asked if this was payback for my life before. I asked the why me question, the why does a girl I know who smokes, drinks and takes drugs get a baby and I gave up smoking and drinking and I ate healthily and did everything I should and I loose it. Was it my job that caused it. I didn’t know but I questioned everything and then I had to think of my partner and what to do the Wednesday, I had to get my game face on.
    By the Wednesday the contractions were in full swing and the bleeding was really heavy. I went into my appointment and with a room full of pregnant women, I had to tell the receptionist that I was having a miscarriage.
    The team bundled me into a room away from the happy couples oblivious to what was taking place and they gave me an internal scan, I made my partner take a walk as I didn’t want him to see how much blood there was and the probe that they place in you. They confirmed the baby had died at 5 weeks. Then I was taken onto the maternity ward to pass the baby. I told my partner to take a walk when the Dr came to help it out and to remove it and then I was sent home. It was horrible coming home to a big box of clothes and stuff for baby and although I took a week off work, they were constantly harassing me to find out when I was going back.
    It took me a while and my partner wanted to try again straight away but I didn’t want to have the heartache again. Then 6 weeks later we were in a multicar pileup and I just thought that it was not meant to be.
    It took 3 years to catch with my little rainbow baby, and I was worried throughout that there would be complications that things would go wrong, and I was ill all the way throughout but she is beautiful and I look at her and think that she is my miracle. I named her Beatrix which has a meaning of Blessing and I thought that was really apt. She was definitely worth the wait, and for those I lost, I light a candle once a year for them.

    1. Hi Jacqueline
      Thank you so much for being brave in sharing your story. I’m so sorry that you went through such a traumatic time.
      I love the name of Beatrix! She is indeed a blessing and rainbow baby all wrapped up in one. Xx